It’s been 10 months after our heart wrenching break up. Well, I think I’m the only one who’s been devastated by our break up. He seems just fine — living and thriving. Meanwhile, I live in constant hell after our goodbye.
Before our break up I actually saw it coming to us slowly. It shouldn’t have surprised me, we were a mistake after all. Right from the beginning, He’s my getaway car and I’m his rebound. However, we fell in love. He gave me affections, the kind I’d never had from my past lovers. He fell first and I fell even more harder, he made me happy, he gave me comfort, he gave me his all — even though it’s just for a little while.
Because after all those rainbows and butterflies that he gave me for 3 months, he changed. What did I do wrong? Is he bored? Did he fall out of love? Is there another woman? I asked myself the same damn questions every night, until I stopped. I found the answer. I did nothing wrong, He isn’t bored, He did not fall out of love, There is no another woman (sort of). But realization hits him, He’s not over his ex.
From little accidents like: He accidentally listened to their favorite songs because His spotify was on shuffle, he accidentally pass through the streets that reminds him of her, he accidentally going through his Instagram’s archive and found a bunch of moments of him and his ex. Those little accidents turn into thoughts, and those thoughts turn into curiousity.
He started being curious about how is she been doing, her whereabouts, he started stalking her Instagram pages. Curiousity drives him crazy, he searched for an excuses to see his ex behind my back. I caught him, found the receipts. And he said,
“Kamu nyari penyakit sendiri. You shouldn’t went through my phone. It’s privacy and you’re being disrespectful,”
He’s the one at fault and yet I am the one who’s asking for his forgiveness because I found things that I shouldn’t have found in his phone.
I hold on to my own expectations and hopes that he will change eventually. But he didn’t, so I let go. I broke things off first with him. Hopefully, He will fight for me, but he never did. He keeps me around, though. It’s nice. I still have him even if it’s always just temporarily.
10 months later, I still hold on to those expectations and hopes. My friends called me a fool, they eventually grew tired and sick of me being played by him. But, I don’t mind being a fool. I know that I deserved so much better than him but whenever he called me, I never not pick up the call.
“Hi, Lili.” One of the reason why I can’t get over him is that the familiarity of his voice calling out my name makes me weak everytime.
“Kenapa, El?” I keep on telling myself he’s just here because he’s breaking up with his ex, don’t let down your guard, Lili.
But everytime he said, “Gapapa, I just wanna hear your voice. Are you free tomorrow?” I fall back into his arms, again. I deserve better but I want him. I want him to be better.
I started out as a rebound and I ended up being just a rebound. I don’t mind. At least, I am his rebound. I’m sure he’ll choose me someday.
